It spilled on my yoga mat
and onto the floor.
The jar lay shattered,
and I was relieved
after a moment of panic.
I was living and shattering the
things that I thought were once whole
and true about me, and becoming more whole
at the same time.
It made sense because it’s what I had been wanting to know,
that everything was going to be okay.
(And that everything is okay.)
* * *
My foot kicked, swiftly, a mason jar from my bed this afternoon. I had been in a funk after not having come out to my mother the previous night and was feeling pretty trashy about the situation. When I saw the glass shatter and heard it before my eyes, I felt like my world was burning to the ground, like a meteor was crashing me, or that an apocalypse was occurring.
I live in a college dormitory, so others heard the glass breaking and said, “yeah, something definitely went” but that was all they could make out. I said, fairly loudly, (which for me probably translated to the volume of a radio in a passing car,) "It's okay, no worries," or something like that. They didn’t seem to hear it and didn’t care enough or seem bothered enough to further check out what was going on inside my room. This was a relief in a way because it showed me that people don't really care that much about other peoples business unless it resonates with them, otherwise, it's just not that big a deal to them.
My abstractions form the experience, and so below, I share my abstraction:
Other people won’t really bother you for your changes throughout life,
and
and everything broke, but,
the bottom of the glass.
And it's not the end of the world, you can work with something that's broken. You can't work with something that is broken but which you won't believe has transformed.
Part II: Going to the Places that Call you.
A trip to the grocery store led to me seeing an ad for a garage sale two days later. |
The morning of that garage sale, I put a stone with the word "Gratitude" etched into it which I bought for a professors significant other who was in the hospital. I felt called to that stone and so I bought it, but when I was going to give it to her to give him, class was cancelled. I had opportunities to give her the stone through a short chain of people passing but I never got around to making it happen. The morning I went to the garage sale, I found a nice dress, for a great price and after striking up conversation with the sales hostess (women who's house it was) I felt connected and like I got valuable life information from her as well as an awesome deal. In our conversation, she said the word gratitude like 3 times, and so it clicked and I hesitated for a moment, but felt to good not to do what I did; I thought about what i could give her to show my appreciation, and naturally I reached into my pocket and remembered I had that stone. I gave it to her because I felt like she really resonated with it. I learned that she too, had a family member in the hospital. Who would have thought. And that's really the message of this post, do what you feel called to do, because many a times, our intuition is being developed and we are becoming healers and helpers in one another's lives. |
I experienced so much love this weekend it was at times overwhelming,
beautiful, and God-sent.
I also learned that as a child, my right frontal lobe was constricted by my umbilical chord and as a result I had seizures as a child which involved me staring off into space.
This sort of thing was also an explanation perhaps as to why I vibe with non-linear time and less logical means of living life. I find the most fulfillment often through these moments of intuition and adventure.
And I honestly think in my heart of hearts that that's why I choose into a life with that possible birth scenario;
so I could turn down or lower the dominance of a logic-oriented brain in a society where that is the norm.
This event helped create the platform for the Jon that is, and I love that.
And sometimes I feel crazy or different when I compare myself to others, but
a.) who doesn't? ;) and
b.) That's the reason why I came into this life, to be me and mix things up for the better in the world. Not to perpetuate old or normal parameters of living.
Part III: Vulnerability and "the unknown"
It is easy to believe what others say over yourself, but instead, let their words enter you and move through you. Let yourself release words which do not serve you and keep words which give you courage.
And if you do that, you will be closer already, to the freedom and love you want (which we all want in a way).